Friendship And Community In Troubled Times
There is a classic New Yorker cartoon by Bob Mankoff that shows a man talking on the phone and looking over his datebook. He says to the person on the other end of the line, “No, Thursday’s out. How about never? Is never good for you?”
Sometimes I feel as though I’m living in that cartoon. It’s often difficult to connect with my friends, even for a walk. One is off to Florida for three months. Another is busy caring for grandchildren. Another is tied up with work. I’m too am often just as occupied, especially in recent weeks with my new book on Italy just out and a new poetry collection coming next month. I’m sure my friends get just as frustrated with me.
I get angry with myself as well. I’ve been trying for weeks to find time to check in again on a dear cousin who’s been ill. The days fill up, night comes, then it’s too late to call. Another opportunity to connect passes.
This past week, I had the privilege of guiding a Zoom retreat sponsored by www.monasteriesoftheheart.org, the online community that Benedictine Sister and author Joan Chittister established to connect people interested in living more contemplative lives. All six of my books have explored that theme. (My new poetry collection is even titled “How to Be a Contemplative”). Still, I struggle to slow down, maintain a sense of balance.
The theme of the MonasteriesoftheHeart retreat was “La Dolce Vita: What Italy Can Teach Us About Living More Mindfully and Joyfully,” based on my new book “The Italian Soul: How to Savor the Ful Joys of Life.” What seemed to resonate most with the group was the value Italians place on relationships. I described the retired men I saw gather each morning at a cafe in the city of Cassino where I once lived for the time-honored Italian tradition of “chiacchiere,” chit-chat.
I talked about how the Sunday meal with extended family is still sacrosanct (even ex-spouses and ex-inlaws are invited) and how the people in the small town of Guardiagrele in Abruzzo spend hours on Sunday mornings catching up with friends in the main piazza.
Social organizations are still very active in Italy, while groups like the Shriners, Elks, and Rosary and Altar Societies are all in decline in the U.S. Social organizations — and the conversations that go on daily in piazzas, on park benches, and in cafes — help the fabric of community in Italy to cohere. They build what sociologist Robert Putnam called in his book “Bowling Alone in America,” “social capital.”
By contrast the U.S. is experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. We have one of the lowest longevity rates in the developed world and one of the highest suicide rates.
Several people at the La Dolce Vita retreat spoke about how important relationships have become to them, given the chaos and fractiousness affecting our country right now. We need to strengthen each other.
One gentleman on the retreat quoted a line from social activist Valerie Kaur’s book, “See No Stranger.” Kaur says that we share a commonality with every person we meet, even if it is not immediately obvious. She writes,“It is to look upon the face of anyone and say, ‘You are a part of me I do not yet know.’” .
One of the Benedictine sisters from our group observed that today’s turbulent political times mirror St. Benedict’s era, when intolerance, suppression, corruption and partisanship plagued the Roman Empire. Benedict believed the only way to counteract the chaos was to build an alternate society — one based on community and consensus-building, mutual trust, and a belief in the dignity of every person, regardless of their social status. He established a model for monastic communities that exists still today.
A nurse on the retreat said she and her colleagues decided to combat the painful isolation so many feel today, especially the sick and the elderly. They formed a group called “Connections” that meets once a month to share camaraderie. Such efforts put a dent in the rampant problem of loneliness and add a measure of compassion to the soul of the world.
The great Trappist monk and spirituality author Thomas Merton once wrote to a discouraged young social activist, “In the end … it is the reality of personal relationships that saves everything.” There is much that needs saving right now in our country. Our sense of fairness and justice. Our respect for each other. Our care of the most vulnerable. Our relationships can help begin the healing.
This Sunday, Jesus’ final prayer to his disciples will be heard in many churches:
“I pray … that they may all be one, as you, Father, are in me and I in you, that they may also be in us … one as we are one, I in them and you in me.”
It is a fitting prayer for our times, and a call to relationship.
What are the relationships in our lives that need attention? How can we help someone feel less isolated? Can we look upon each stranger as “a part of us we don’t yet know?”
I, for one, am deterined this week to finally make that call to my cousin.
