‘Really Powerful, Small Actions’ To Counteract A Time of Nastiness

Compliments are an easy and powerful way to spread harmony and positivity, psychologists say,

Time magazine ran an article recently quoting several psychologists and behavioral scientists on the positive impact that both giving and receiving compliments can have. Compliments, they noted, are a gift that costs nothing.

“The compliment is one of these really powerful, small actions,” said Xuan Zhao, a behavioral scientist at Stanford University. Zhao often hands out printed “compliment cards” to people she sees behaving well. The cards say things such as, Your awesomeness deserves a big shoutout.

Compliments reinforce our sense of well-being. A chemical reaction occurs in the brain activating a reward center that can lift our mood. The good news, experts say, is that both giving and receiving a compliment creates that sense of well-being.

Sharing positive words to help others feel valued just might be what we need right now. National Compliment Day falls on January 24, but perhaps we need a national compliment movement to counteract the time of nastiness we are living through. Just witness how our two leading presidential candidates engage in an insult-fest on an almost daily basis. Donald Trump accuses Joe Biden of not knowing “where the hell he is.” Biden calls Trump “weak, desperate and unhinged.” And so it goes. The two talk about each other’s physical and mental state as much as they do their policy differences.

Another vivid example of our need to be kinder occurred this past week. Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito’s wife Martha Ann was heard on tape saying she wanted to create a flag to oppose the Gay Pride flag she saw flying on a neighbor’s property.

Martha Ann Alito’s ‘counter-flag’ would contain the word Vergogna, which in Italian means “Shame.” That alone is disheartening enough — to cast aspersions on an entire group of our fellow citizens. Another truly sad part is that Alito said her flag would also include flames, invoking the traditional image of the Sacred Heart of Jesus in which flames are meant to represent the intensity of Jesus’ love for us and his mercy.

Whenever someone starts invoking Jesus — or a symbol associated with Jesus — to spread bigotry and foster hate, you can be pretty sure that person is not just on the wrong track, they’re lost.

You can object to the way in which Alito’s comments were acquired — an undercover activist recorded the conversation surreptitiously at a social event. Still, what was expressed is troubling coming from a Justice’s spouse. The public should know about it.

National Compliment Day is officially every January 24. Perhaps we need a national compliment movement.

But to return to the value of compliments ... The experts interviewed in the Time article offer some suggestions for the kinds of compliments we could give. These are just few:

“You handled that so well.” A good one to share when you witness someone diffuse a tense or angry situation.

I’m impressed with your ability to work under pressure. An affirmation for coworkers and friends under stress from work or family-related pressures.

I love the way you bring out the best in people. Great for when your witness someone shore up another person.

And don’t be afraid to compliment even strangers.

There is a wonderful poem by Danusha Laméris called Small Kindnesses, which ends by calling the kind words we exchange with others “the true dwelling of the holy:”

… these

fleeting temples we make together when we say, “Here,
have my seat,” “Go ahead — you first,” “I like your hat.”

Just as importantly, when you receive a compliment, resist the temptation to brush it off, or disparage it. Instead, simply say, “Thank you.”

If our presidential candidates would make a pact to stop calling each other names, I’d email them both a compliment, saying “Brilliant!” And if Martha Ann Alito would apologize for disparaging my gay friends, who are among the kindest, most selfless people I know, I would send her a message as well saying, “Well done!”

This week, can we make an effort to spread compliments when we see someone behaving kindly, bravely, selflessly? Can we be brave enough to compliment ourselves as well for a job well-done, a random act of kindness?

To quote Danusha Laméris, Go ahead — you first.

Giving a compliment activates chemicals in the brain that reward both the receiver and giver of the compliment, experts say.